Direct communication is NOT rude. Here's how to do it well

{{first name | friend}},

If you’re one of those people who spends 20 minutes rewording a two-sentence email, this one’s for you.

This week, I share a three-part structure for communicating directly at work, and a quick confidence check to help you send the message without second-guessing yourself.

Here’s what we’ll cover:

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In the spirit of being direct, I’m going to get straight into it.

A few years ago, I was delivering a presentation at work to a room of 30 people who worked at different levels in the organisation. As I was presenting, a senior leader interrupted me (I know, I know) and said something that contradicted what the data showed.

I stopped for a moment, and said, “That’s an interesting angle, but the data actually points the other way. Here’s what the data shows…”

I shared the evidence, we talked about it as a group, and we moved on, or so I thought…

He emailed me after the session to say that it went well, everyone was engaged, the feedback was great. 

Then he added:

Just one thing. You might want to soften your delivery when you’re pushing back on someone senior. I thought you were too direct.

Naturally, I started playing back what happened. Did I get the tone wrong? Was I too blunt? Should I have softened it? Maybe opened with something more complimentary before I disagreed? I nearly convinced myself I’d done something wrong.

It wasn’t until the next day when relaying it to a coworker that I realised what was really happening. He said something incorrect to a room full of people and was corrected in front of a room full of people. That was the real issue.

I challenged an inaccurate claim with data. I was respectful. I didn’t raise my voice or dismiss him or make it personal. If anything, I did my job and did it well.

I knew I needed to reply to his email. I could have softened my words, shrunk myself, and padded everything out in a sweet way until my point totally disappeared. Instead, I chose to use a simple structure that makes direct communication land well.

Here’s what I replied using that structure:

Thank you for letting me know about the positive feedback. I was pleased to see the room was so engaged.

You mentioned that I was too direct when I challenged a point that contradicted the data. (state the fact) Part of my role is to present accurate information, even when it means respectfully disagreeing with someone. (share the impact) Please can we align on what good facilitation looks like so I can deliver the best sessions going forward? (make the request)

Once I drafted the email I stared at it. I kept thinking, is this too much? Was he just trying to help me? Maybe I should just let it go? What if he thinks I can’t take feedback?

Because the moment before we hit send is the moment where we start to edit the message and soften it until it becomes an entirely different one.

I thought, I know how this goes. I’ll send it, I’ll go to my sent items and pretend I’m the person receiving it, I’ll read it, I’ll freak out, I’ll try to recall the email. (I know you’ve done this too).

So, this was the day I taught myself to do a quick confidence check before sending anything I feel a little nervous about, especially when it comes to responding to something directly.

I ask myself these three questions:

1. Is this true? 

Did the thing you’re describing actually happen? In my case, yes. I was told I was too direct for correcting inaccurate information with accurate data.

2. Does this matter? 

Does it affect your work or your ability to do your job? In my case, yes. If I soften my delivery every time a senior person says something incorrect, I’m not doing my job properly. 

3. Am I being respectful? 

Are you attacking the person or addressing the situation? In my case, I’m highlighting that the situation doesn’t call for me to soften my communication. I’m saying, here’s what happened, here’s why it matters, here’s what I need in the future. I’m not calling him a bad leader or attacking him. I’m being respectful.

If the answer to all three questions is “yes”, you can send the message.

Think of something you need to communicate directly and write your message using the fact, impact, request structure.

Once you’ve written your message, run it through the confidence check, tweak it if needed, and send it.

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