How to build a network (the non-cringe way)

Hi {{first name | friend}}

If the word “networking” makes you feel a little gross, you’re not alone. Many of us avoid it, and then feel like we’re missing out by not doing it.

This week, I answer my most asked questions about building your network because we don’t want the “fear of being cringe” to get in the way of your career opportunities, do we?

We’re covering:

🍿 Watch the video version of this week’s newsletter here

(or keep scrolling to read it)

I get it.

The biggest mistake I see people make is walking into a networking situation already thinking about what they can give and what they can gain which, you’re right, is transactional.

I like to think of networking as making work friends. Because we all want a friend, don’t we?

Talking to anyone, anywhere, is an opportunity to build your network. It doesn't have to happen at a formal work-related event. There's something called the Shared Activities Principle¹, which says people connect most naturally when they're doing something together. So if networking events feel transactional to you, look for community events instead. Join groups around something you care about. Focus on building relationships around shared interests instead of what I can only imagine feels like forced small talk with strangers in a floodlit conference room.

Think of networking as making friends and expand the places you make friends to make it as natural as possible.

We’ve all been there, believe me. Most of the time when we stumble over an introduction, it’s because we’re so focussed on the impression we’re making that we forget to just talk to the person in front of us.

My top tip is don’t introduce yourself when you’re in a panic.

I’ve got a story to tell you here.

Last year, I went to a book launch held at a publishing house. An editor was in the room. I was stood talking to a couple of friends and a man physically moved me out of his way and stepped on my feet as he was trying to get past me. I stood in utter disbelief and watched what he did next. The editor was heading towards the door and he was making a beeline for her.

I carried on observing (feet still throbbing) and saw him introduce himself. He did a terrible job. He was flustered, he was rushing, he was breathless.

The editor physically leaned backwards as he was talking at her. Not a good sign.

Why am I telling you this?

Well, I’m assuming this person wants to publish a book. So, of course, he needs to introduce himself to people in the industry. But there’s a way of doing it.

Introducing yourself is nerve-wracking because in around 15 seconds, you're trying to appear confident, capture someone's attention, and show your value. That's a lot to manage on the spot.

A well-practised go-to introduction saves you every time. If you already know what you're going to say and how you're going to deliver it, all you need to do in the moment is get it out. Calmly.

To create your own go-to introduction, you need to make three decisions:

My go-to introduction for when I’m in a setting where it makes sense to lead with what I do for work is to flash an open palm and say “Hi, I'm Hayley. I run a workplace training company called Let's Talk Human Skills where I teach people how to work well together”. I deliver it with warmth and a smile.

You can adapt your introduction for different situations too:

This is such a good question. There’s little point in building new connections if you’re letting your existing ones fizzle out.

When I think about maintaining a relationship, I think about all the ways I can increase my interactions with someone to support and celebrate them. The people who build lasting relationships are the ones who consistently show up for others in small, meaningful ways.

Here are some of my favourites:

Be an encourager: Research shows that we need significantly more positive interactions to outweigh negative ones². My mum is one of those people who offers positive interactions. She sends people good luck cards when something big is coming up. She congratulates people when they do well. Every week she sends me a message to tell me how much she liked my newsletter. Her actions encourage people to keep going and serve as a reminder that someone’s in their corner.

Do a five-minute favour: Adam Rifkin, a tech entrepreneur, built a network through a policy he calls the five-minute favour³. He explains, “You should be willing to do something that will take you 5 minutes or less for anybody”. It could look like making a warm introduction or sending a useful resource. They’re small acts that take almost no time but create immense value for others.

Send thank you notes: Every December, I send out individual personalised thank you messages to my network. It’s an opportunity to congratulate people on their hard work, to offer support, to ask for a catch-up chat in the new year, to thank people for supporting my work. As you can imagine, it never fails to delight people.

Ask for help: Many people see asking for help as a weakness, but I see it as a strength. There are two things we forget here: (1) we don’t need to do things alone, and (2) people want to help others. If you’re struggling with something, identify the person who can help you, prepare your ask to make it as clear as possible, and make the ask.

Choose one person you want to be work friends with. It might be someone you met briefly at an event, a LinkedIn connection you've never actually spoken to, or a coworker you've never quite found the right moment to approach.

This week, reintroduce yourself using your go-to introduction, then find a way to support and celebrate them.

Nice work! You’ve added someone to your network.

And it didn’t feel cringe, did it?

You’ll know by now that I’ve got one strong belief: The smartest career move you can make is learning to work with people

We spend years learning what we need to do in our jobs, but not how to work well with people and every interaction becomes something we have to figure out.

Meetings become draining. Building relationships feels like a performance. Sharing your ideas becomes daunting. And while we’re busy second-guessing ourselves, we miss out on the exact career opportunities we’re working towards.

Being good at your job isn’t enough anymore.

That’s why I built Human Skill School. It’s a 7-week programme (taught live by me) that teaches the human skills needed to work well with people and open up career opportunities.

You’ll go from feeling overlooked despite your ability and struggling to work with the people around you, to navigating workplace interactions with confidence, building stronger working relationships, and getting recognised for your work.

Our next cohort runs from Monday 1 June – Friday 17 July.

Join the waitlist and I’ll send you everything you need to know.