How to talk to anyone

Hi {{first name | friend}}

“I don’t know how to talk to people” is one of the most common problems people share with me.

It never surprises me when I hear this. The data shows that we’re speaking fewer words, spending less time with friends, and we have fewer friends than ever before.

This week, I cover:

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Something’s happening to us.

We're losing the ability to have a proper conversation. Not because we don't want to connect with each other. We do. But somewhere between the decline of spontaneous interaction and the rise of screen time, many of us have lost the confidence to simply talk to another person.

I was doing some research last week because I wanted to understand just how far our interactions with each other have slipped.

Here’s what I found:

We're spending more time online than ever, and less time in real conversation than we have in decades.

We’re living in this reality, and I hear firsthand from people that many of us are experiencing an erosion of our social skills. People want to connect, they just don’t know how. I figure it’s got something to do with the fact we’re getting less and less practice in.

The good news is that conversation is a skill you can learn and become more confident in.

Conversation confidence isn't the same as being naturally chatty or extroverted. It's simply knowing what to do when you’re in a conversation and doing it. It’s being able to start a conversation, move it forward, and keep someone genuinely engaged.

There are four moments in any conversation where most people get stuck. But if you handle each one well, talking to people becomes significantly easier.

1. Starting a conversation

Most people freeze because they're trying to think of something impressive to say, but this isn’t necessary because the bar for starting a conversation is much lower than you think.

What actually works is asking questions that make people feel good. Questions like: What's been the highlight of your day? Are you working on anything exciting at the moment? or What are you looking forward to this week?

Words like highlight, exciting, and looking forward create a positive feeling in the person you're talking to, and they naturally want to respond.

Now, is this small talk? Yes, it is.

I imagine you don’t like small talk. Not many people do. But we forget that small talk is the bridge between no conversation at all and a deep and meaningful conversation.

We’re not looking for an hour of small talk. We’re just looking for one strong question to open a conversation that goes somewhere genuinely interesting.

If you get stuck, be curious. Ask about the person in front of you (people love to talk about themselves, so they’ll be glad you asked!)

2. Keeping a conversation moving

Once a conversation has got going, a lot of people panic about what to say next.

You don't need to have something interesting to say. You need to be genuinely interested.

The easiest way to move a conversation forward is to follow up on what the other person just told you. If they mention a project they're working on, ask what stage it's at. If they say they've had a tough week, ask what's been going on.

Pay attention to what you’re being told and ask follow up questions.

3. Maintaining interest in a conversation

This brings me to the thing that makes the biggest difference in any conversation: letting people finish their thoughts.

Most of us hate being interrupted before we’ve landed our point. Sometimes the silence feels uncomfortable, so we jump in to fill it. Don’t. Please don’t! Instead, let them finish by staying silent for longer than feels natural.

Something I see often is that interested people are interesting.

We put a huge amount of focus on thinking, “Did they like me?” “Was I interesting enough?” failing to realise that being an interesting person isn’t always about what we say, but the interest we show in others.

When you're genuinely curious about the person you're talking to, when you ask real questions, actually listen, and respond to what they said rather than what you were already planning to say (my pet peeve), you become the most engaging person in the room. And it had nothing to do with what you brought to the conversation, more how you made someone feel.

4. Continuing the conversation later

The final stage is the one that has had the biggest impact on my own relationships: picking up where you left off.

The number one thing that has helped me build strong connections is keeping conversation notes.

I promise it's as simple as it sounds.

I have a list in my notes app of people I speak to regularly and people I want to build relationships with. After each interaction, I update my notes on that person. Things like: What are they working on? What are they struggling with? What are they looking forward to? What book are they reading?

Before our next conversation, I check my notes and pick up from where we left off.

Whenever I reference something from a previous chat, I see that flash in a person's eyes as they register the fact that someone has remembered something important to them and is interested enough to want to hear more about it.

It never fails to surprise and delight people. And I'm pretty sure I live for that moment.

If you do these four things, that’s conversation confidence!

Start your conversation notes.

Pick three people you speak to regularly, add them to a list in your notes app, and after your next interaction with each of them, update it. Before you next speak to them, check your notes to continue the conversation.

It takes two minutes, and the results will surprise you.

We help you do this in three ways:

1. Human Skill School: Our 7-week programme where you learn all seven human skills and create personalised toolkits to implement them at work.
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2. Let’s Talk events: Our career-focussed conversation series brings people together to practise the human connection we’re all craving.
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3. Workplace training: For teams to work better together and become more connected, productive and impactful.
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